Nocturne I: Rising at Night
Night has risen, and everything has settled into silence. This "song" — for tonight, for this moment, for myself.
Lately my mood hasn't been good. It's about my other half. Just these past few days, I haven't been doing well. I keep overthinking, and it's leaving me exhausted. It's forced me to take another look at what we have...
This relationship made me very happy. Her smile, the way she's cute, everything about her — I loved it all. We spent day after day, night after night together, and although we hadn't walked into the hall of marriage yet, the feeling was already there: it felt like we were living in our "future."
But people change. The beautiful chapter we started writing has slowly begun to change too — to the point where I find myself asking: was this just a piece of scratch paper all along?
I've also been turning over a question: what if this chapter had never existed in the first place?
I sometimes wonder — maybe I wouldn't have gained the weight. Maybe I'd still be that young man, full of life. My creativity, my freedom, my spontaneity... everything about me — would all of it have turned out better? Or, to put it more plainly: would the me of right now be living a better life?
I'm tired of the endless unsafe, the guessing, the doubting.
I want out, but I don't know how to face what comes next. I'm not sure I still have it in me to live alone, or to find my way back to who I was. It's all chaos — anger, sadness, the slow grinding kind of pain.
Maybe I should start preparing for this to end. Overthinking won't give me any answers — it's like writing a lot of code and never running it, never debugging it.
I can't predict the future, and I can't return to the past. There's a lot I can do, and a lot I can't. Rather than staying stuck in it — I'd rather go live inside my own future.